Where My Head Is

[I'm a few days early with this, but this is the song that tends to run through my head around birthday time.]

Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow
But nothing's panned out as I planned
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I'd better learn how to swim 'cause the crossing is chilly and wide

Twisted guardrail on the highway
Broken glass on the cement
The ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent
And they say that it's never to late, but you don't get any younger
Well I'd better learn how to starve the emptiness and feed the hunger

Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in road
You can stand there and agonize 'til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life and I have a good laugh
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where I started again makes me want to stand still

Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize 'til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face the path at your pace every choice is worth your while

Stepping on a crack
Breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead seems to sit and wait
'Til every step you take becomes a twist of fate

-"Watershed" by Emily Saliers

Big May Events

I keep intending to post about these milestones, but for now I'm just going to post the pictures of the big things that happened this month, and maybe later I'll actually flesh out the details.

1. My new charge, temporarily to be called BB (for Baby Brother) until I discover my own nickname for him, was born:



2. I danced in public for the first time (it still counts even though it was just at a library and I hid in the back of a group):

The Office: Chairmodel

Twice during tonight's episode of The Office (my very very favorite show) a character said (or sang) something that made me think, "I need to see that written down, because I think it will look even more ridiculous than it sounded."

First there was Andy explaining that he didn't fight to get the parking spaces back just out of self-interest:

"Did I do this for me? No. I did this for the little guy, for Joe Six-Pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment and wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage that month, wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil, wonders, "How am I going to pay my kid's orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park."

On first viewing I caught the orphanage bills part, but I missed that the guy was living in an apartment and worrying about how to pay his mortgage.

And then Michael singing in the cemetary:

"Bye bye Miss Chairmodel lady
I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice
We had lots of kids drinking whiskey and rye
But why'd you have to go off and die?
Why'd you have to go off and die?"

The only thing that marred the tag for me was that when they showed that time had passed and Michael and Dwight seemed breathless from singing, they were only singing the second verse of the song (third at most).

As adorable as Jim and Pam were (and believe me, I had a big silly grin on my face) I'm now terrified at the idea of Jim's proposal. Pam's attempts to keep the joke going while Jim was saying he was serious about moving in together and proposing were worrisome, and her face definitely fell after he walked away from her desk. I think someone's been burned by her endless engagement to Roy and things aren't going to go as smoothly as Jim seems to think...

Life Imitating Art

While the most recent episode of How I Met Your Mother was definitely a classic, with it's Doogie Howser inspired tag and all, my favorite part came from Marshall (as always). As he tried to appear he was having a casual conversation he called out random things like, "Here are words! Laughter!" I have no doubt that if I had enough friends who watched this show "Here are words!" would become a phrase I would use frequently when struggling for something to say. Alas.

Anyway, yesterday the Lovebug was pretending to be a one-man band like her idol Olivia. As she danced around with my zills she eventually gave up yelling things like, "Boom! Clank! Bang!" and started yelling, "Loud noise! Loud noise! Loud noise!!!!" She's awesome.

I wonder if it would work on my next date to just say, "Charming banter!!!"

Today's Happy Moment

On my way into the grocery store this morning there was a guy asking for signatures on a couple petitions. Usually I ignore people and keep on walking, but today I stopped and agreed to sign - maybe because I've been paying closer attention to the news and politics recently and feeling more socially conscious, maybe it was because the guy was good-looking and around my age... who can say why people do things? Anyway, I signed both petitions and headed on into the store. On my way back out he was still there and I said, "You got me on the way in," before he could ask me to sign.

He said, "Oh I know - you're beautiful [looking me up and down, but not in an icky way]. Have a good day!"

That's all it takes to make me happy - that compliment stuck with me the rest of the day. It was just nice to be noticed, especially considering I was dressed in uncoordinated, laundry day clothes, had on no make-up except for a little powder, and my hair was in a messy bun.

Go, Now, Go!

I've had this whole week off from work, and because my bosses planned their trip at the last minute I decided against throwing together a last minute trip somewhere. Instead I've just been a total homebody - playing games, reading, and doing a few small projects to fully settle in to the new apartment. And finally watching My So-Called Life, which I purchased a while back.

I loved this show when I was 16. *Loved* it. I watched it right from the start, even though it was on opposite Mad About You (which was one of my favorite shows) and Friends (which was just starting, but I was interested in it). I would tape My So-Called Life intending to watch it later, but would flip to it during the first commercial break of Mad About You and never make it back. I completely identified with Angela, her introspection, and her lust for Jordan Catalano*. Watching it again has given me the strangest sense of deja vu, because I not only remember what my favorite scenes were, or what lines resonated with me as a teenager, but I seem to be responding to it in exactly the same way I did at 16. (I'm not necessarily saying this proudly.) I'm compelled to rewatch the same scenes I did then (namely those involving Jordan, even though I've had no interest in Jared Leto's career post-MSCL), and paying little attention to the episodes that didn't grab me at the time. I don't find myself wishing from an adult perspective that Angela would notice Brian, the way my mother did when she and I would watch it together. Nope, I want the adolescent dream of the emotionally unavailable bad boy turning into The One to come true.

At least this time around I know how the most painful, cringeworthy scenes turn out, so I don't have to suffer through them all over again.

*Seriously. Pretty eyes have always been my weakness, and I don't think they come any prettier than this:
Sigh.

Fare Thee Well

I've been putting off writing this post for a couple of weeks, just because it seems so final. I've come to terms with the idea that Bennett isn't coming home, and my guilt that in many ways I'm okay with that. He was a problem cat, but he was my baby. Bennett had the big bad behaviors that made it difficult to be a cat owner, but otherwise I liked his personality on a daily basis. Min is a better behaved cat, but she tended to annoy me on a daily basis. So basically Bennett made it difficult to be a cat owner, and Min took the brunt of my irriation (which is not to say she didn't always deserve it - she's been a little bitch many times, and I have the scars to prove it). So I don't miss some of the realities of Bennett living here, but I do miss him in other ways, and I want him to be okay. I'm choosing to believe what I tell the Lovebug every day when she says, "Dindy talk about Bennett run away. Dindy talk!" (She likes me to monologue, and has a couple of favorite topics she makes me repeat at least daily - I can't wait for her baby brother to be born so we have a new topic!) Anyway, I tell her that he lives at someone else's house now. I know that the odds are high that something more unpleasant happened to him, but no good comes of thinking that way.

Min and I are getting along better than ever. Being annoyed with her has been second nature for a while, but in the aftermath of the fire I was much more patient with her, knowing how freaked out she must have been, and how her world was turned upside down (losing her buddy, being moved to a new apartment). I had to get used to having a cat sleep on my bed (the cats had been forbidden in my bedroom for a little over a year because of Bennett's iffy litter box habits) and at first she would try to wrestle with me every day around 3-4 am, or just want to be nose to nose with me. She's pretty much stopped that, thankfully. She's also snugglier - she used to want to be on my lap, but she would never just sit down and settle. She would knead her claws on me, be right in my face, and would be promptly kicked off my lap. Now she settles pretty quickly; for example, she's currently tucked under my arm as I type. I haven't seen any signs that she wants another kitty friend, which I'm thankful for, because I don't think I'm meant to be a perpetual cat owner.

Week From Hell

So... when I woke up on Monday morning this seemed like it would be a typical week, with the highlights I was looking forward to being 1) watching Super Tuesday election coverage and 2) voting in the caucus on Saturday.

By Monday night I was homeless, everything I owned smelled like smoke, and one of my cats was missing.

There was a fire in my apartment building, originating in the apartment below my next-door neighbor. I found out when apartment management left a message on my voicemail (my ringer was turned off because I was at The Lovebug's preschool) that there was an emergency situation and they had my cat (singular) at the office and were recommending it see a vet as soon as possible. I called back to find out more, and mentioned that I have two cats. The sound of concern in the man's voice and how quickly he said he would tell someone to look for cat #2 hit me pretty hard - clearly this was a bad situation.

I had no choice but to take The Lovebug with me, and ask her dad to meet me at my place. We showed up at the office to find Min in the cat carrier, clearly traumatized (she wouldn't make eye contact with me at all) but otherwise seeming okay. Bennett still hadn't been found.

When I was able to enter my apartment I was very relieved to see that there was only smoke damage; nothing was burnt. There was quite a bit of soot in the bathroom, which clearly at least one of the cats ran through.


Seeing that made me very sad, imagining how terrified my two kitties (both very skittish on their best days) must have been as the apartment filled with smoke, firefighters forced the door, and then so many strangers searched for them.

I eventually found Bennett, hidden half under the couch and half under a pillow on the floor. [Aside: It was a little unnerving to learn later that several members of the office staff searched for him, because when I mentioned off hand that I had found him I was met with an astonished, "You did? WHERE? We looked everywhere!" Talk about incentive to be a better housekeeper - you never know when half of management will be rooting around your place!] I carried Bennett out to the car (I only have one cat carrier, and Min was already in it) and he struggled against me most of the way. As my boss and I tried to get him settled into the car he bolted into some thick, thorny brush (well after dark). I haven't seen him since.

I've posted "Missing Cat" fliers, and walked around in the rain (it has been cold, windy, and rainy ever since) looking for him. At this point I just don't know what else to do.

My fabulous bosses offered me a place to stay immediately, so I've been a live-in nanny all week. The Lovebug thinks it's great that Min is in her basement, even though Min hides whenever she hears that tell-tale giggling shriek. I'll be moving into another unit on Saturday, with the help of a moving company management is hiring. I think most of my stuff will be okay (the smoke smell quickly washed out of the clothes I have on hand, so I figure it should wash out of the rest). I'm hoping I can salvage my bed (the one I just got in November) - the bedroom didn't seem to be as smoky as the living room, so maybe with some airing out the bed will be okay. Overall I feel lucky that it wasn't worse (even with the missing cat, at least I got to see that he was okay before he ran away).

Where My Head Is...

Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh but I'm all right, I'm all right
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home

I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
Or driven to its knees
Oh, but it's all right, it's all right
'Cause we did so well so long
Still when I think of the road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed my soul rose unexpectedly
And looked back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hours
and sing an American tune
Oh, and it's alright, it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all I'm trying to get some rest

-Paul Simon, "American Tune"

Movies in 2007

I'm way behind the times in terms of 2007 wrap-up lists, but I wanted to do a run-through of movies I saw in 2007 (or, more accurately, movies that came out in 2007 that I saw somehow (theater, DVD, On Demand, whatever)). They're listed in order of theatrical release, not the order I watched them, and for most I remember more about the circumstances in which I watched them than what I thought about the movie, aside from an impression or two.

Catch and Release (On Demand) - This is one of the few movies that made me wish I could have my $3.99 back. I almost saw this in the theater with T, and I'm so glad the scheduling didn't work out that day. I have so much affection for Jennifer Garner because of my Alias addiction, and I have always liked Kevin Smith, so how could this movie lose me? Oh, but it did. I think my biggest problem was the way it tried to mix comedy and drama. Obviously those elements can be balanced well, but they weren't here. Kevin Smith's character is clearly the comic relief... until he tries to kill himself. And then goes back to being the funny guy. Umm.... no.

Music and Lyrics (Theater) - Standard romantic comedy, nothing special about it, but I just adore Hugh Grant so much that I enjoyed it. I saw it just once in the theater, and won't likely attempt to see it again, but I enjoyed it. And some of the songs stuck in my head long enough that I toyed with the idea of downloading the soundtrack, but I resisted.

Zodiac (On Demand) - I loved this movie, and it inspired me to read Robert Graysmith's book. I love true crime, but I had only read a brief chapter about Zodiac. I thought they did a great job of creating tension in a story about a serial killer who was never definitively identified and caught. Also, I typically adore Robert Downey Jr., and he didn't disappoint me here.

Blades of Glory (Theater) - The first of many comedies I saw with C this year that otherwise I would have been too embarrassed to admit I wanted to see. She loves stupid comedies though, and her laughter is infectious. I haven't seen very many of Will Ferrell's movies, but I just generally enjoy him (love Elf, loved him on SNL) and that held true here. And Jenna Fischer! And Will Arnett! This movie was far from great, but I laughed...

Knocked Up (Theater) - I saw this one with C as well, and I don't think she enjoyed it all that much, but I liked it a lot (I'll stop just short of saying I loved it). I think my favorite part was Paul Rudd's fascination with the chairs while on a bad mushroom trip. Having just discovered Freaks & Geeks last year it makes me happy to see actors from that show together again, and this fit the bill.

Ocean's Thirteen (Theater) - The only reason I saw this was because I was having a terrible Saturday morning at the end of a terrible month (June), and I called T to see if she was available for lunch so that I could hit the reset button on the day, rather than stay in a bad mood. She had time to squeeze in lunch, and then had plans to see this with her husband and parents, so she invited me along. I enjoyed Ocean's Eleven, but never bothered to see the sequel. I really don't remember much about the actual movie - I think I liked it just fine, and it went straight out of my head afterwards.

Evan Almighty (Drive-In) - Another movie with C, and her crew of nieces and nephews, with all of us crammed in the back of a pick-up. The movie was quite bad - my entertainment came from watching the interplay between the various kids and C dealing with them and their attitudes. So what I mainly remember is getting the giggles (to the point that I really couldn't stop laughing even if I wanted to), but it had *absolutely* nothing to do with the movie.

Ratatouille (DVD) - My boss loved this movie and pushed the DVD into my hands. Unfortunately, I chose to watch it while sick one weekend, and since I was feeling so miserable I had a hard time focusing on the movie at all. So... it was fine, but I should have watched it when I wasn't fighting nausea.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Theater) - T and I always see the newest Harry Potter movie on opening day, even though overall I haven't loved the movies. I mean, I enjoy them the first time, but most of them I've only seen once. The Order of the Phoenix is my least favorite of the books (by a lot) which freed me up to just enjoy the movie, rather than get bogged down comparing it to the book. That has been my biggest problem with the other movies - even as I'm telling myself that books and movies are different mediums and I need to just let go and enjoy the movie, I can't shut off the voice in my head saying, "But that's not how it happened!
They just cut out ___, how will they explain it when ____ happens??!!" So it was nice being able to relax and just enjoy the movie. Also, if I'm remembering correctly, this movie came out on the hottest day of the summer in Seattle, so sitting in an air conditioned theater was *heaven*.

Hairspray (Theater) - I liked it. And... nope, there's nothing more to say about this one.

Becoming Jane (Theater) - I really think I had some stronger opinions about this one at the time, but they're escaping me now. I liked it, but didn't love it. Really, the only reason I can come up with is that they could have found a stronger lead actress to play Jane Austen. Some of the adaptations of Jane Austen books would rank in my top 5 or 10 favorite movies ever list, so it was a disappointment that I didn't love this movie that much.

Superbad (DVD) - I was a little let down by this movie. After renting it I was relieved that I wasn't successful in my attempts to get C to see it with me in the theater (if you recall, she didn't like Knocked Up all that much, so this would have fallen flat with her as well). It had good moments, and Michael Cera can do no wrong in my eyes, but it felt like an adolescent boy's wish fulfillment. And I was never an adolescent boy.

The Nanny Diaries (Theater) - The adaptation of the book that kept me out of my current job for a few years. The ending of the book broke my heart, and I thought I could never be a nanny because the risk of getting that attached to a child and then losing that connection in the blink of an eye would be too gut-wrenching. (At the time I read it I was a preschool teacher, and even with my attention spread amongst ~20 kids I got very attached.) Eventually, though, I reconsidered, because the likelihood of ending up with a family like the Xs seemed slim. Anyway, this movie was... not good. I had none of the affection for the main character that I did in the book. Laura Linney did a good job playing Mrs. X, but they ruined that character by adding on an epilogue (not from the book) where she realizes the error of her ways.

Dan in Real Life (Theater) - I won't defend the overall quality of this movie (there were some very trite moments) but I really enjoyed it. It was the kind of movie that made me smile consistently, and chuckle softly a lot.

Juno (Theater) - I really liked this movie, although I left the theater feeling old. There seemed to be a lot of teenagers in the audience, and I just got the sense that I was relating to the older characters (the adoptive parents, Juno's parents) while the people around me were connecting more to the teens. I ended up downloading the soundtrack just about as soon as I got home, and I haven't regretted it. I've been trying to cook more, and this has become my cooking sountrack - trying out new recipes, bopping around to the songs from Juno.

Sweeney Todd (Theater) - I saw this movie at the exact wrong time of day. T and I went out to breakfast and planned on seeing another movie, but showtimes/locations ended up working against us. So over breakfast, we decided we should see something else. She mentioned Sweeney Todd because of a review she'd heard on the radio, without knowing anything about it except that it was a musical. I did know the basics of the plot, but had heard so many good reviews that I agreed. This is not a movie to see right after Saturday morning breakfast. I think if I had seen it at night I would say that I liked it. I think the most I can say is that I appreciated it. It was all very well done. But it is so bleak and dreary, and ends on such a depressing note, that it was disconcerting to walk out of the theater in the early afternoon, ready to move on with the day.