Where My Head Is

[I'm a few days early with this, but this is the song that tends to run through my head around birthday time.]

Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow
But nothing's panned out as I planned
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I'd better learn how to swim 'cause the crossing is chilly and wide

Twisted guardrail on the highway
Broken glass on the cement
The ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent
And they say that it's never to late, but you don't get any younger
Well I'd better learn how to starve the emptiness and feed the hunger

Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in road
You can stand there and agonize 'til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life and I have a good laugh
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where I started again makes me want to stand still

Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize 'til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face the path at your pace every choice is worth your while

Stepping on a crack
Breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead seems to sit and wait
'Til every step you take becomes a twist of fate

-"Watershed" by Emily Saliers

Big May Events

I keep intending to post about these milestones, but for now I'm just going to post the pictures of the big things that happened this month, and maybe later I'll actually flesh out the details.

1. My new charge, temporarily to be called BB (for Baby Brother) until I discover my own nickname for him, was born:



2. I danced in public for the first time (it still counts even though it was just at a library and I hid in the back of a group):

The Office: Chairmodel

Twice during tonight's episode of The Office (my very very favorite show) a character said (or sang) something that made me think, "I need to see that written down, because I think it will look even more ridiculous than it sounded."

First there was Andy explaining that he didn't fight to get the parking spaces back just out of self-interest:

"Did I do this for me? No. I did this for the little guy, for Joe Six-Pack, the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment and wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage that month, wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil, wonders, "How am I going to pay my kid's orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park."

On first viewing I caught the orphanage bills part, but I missed that the guy was living in an apartment and worrying about how to pay his mortgage.

And then Michael singing in the cemetary:

"Bye bye Miss Chairmodel lady
I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice
We had lots of kids drinking whiskey and rye
But why'd you have to go off and die?
Why'd you have to go off and die?"

The only thing that marred the tag for me was that when they showed that time had passed and Michael and Dwight seemed breathless from singing, they were only singing the second verse of the song (third at most).

As adorable as Jim and Pam were (and believe me, I had a big silly grin on my face) I'm now terrified at the idea of Jim's proposal. Pam's attempts to keep the joke going while Jim was saying he was serious about moving in together and proposing were worrisome, and her face definitely fell after he walked away from her desk. I think someone's been burned by her endless engagement to Roy and things aren't going to go as smoothly as Jim seems to think...

Life Imitating Art

While the most recent episode of How I Met Your Mother was definitely a classic, with it's Doogie Howser inspired tag and all, my favorite part came from Marshall (as always). As he tried to appear he was having a casual conversation he called out random things like, "Here are words! Laughter!" I have no doubt that if I had enough friends who watched this show "Here are words!" would become a phrase I would use frequently when struggling for something to say. Alas.

Anyway, yesterday the Lovebug was pretending to be a one-man band like her idol Olivia. As she danced around with my zills she eventually gave up yelling things like, "Boom! Clank! Bang!" and started yelling, "Loud noise! Loud noise! Loud noise!!!!" She's awesome.

I wonder if it would work on my next date to just say, "Charming banter!!!"

Today's Happy Moment

On my way into the grocery store this morning there was a guy asking for signatures on a couple petitions. Usually I ignore people and keep on walking, but today I stopped and agreed to sign - maybe because I've been paying closer attention to the news and politics recently and feeling more socially conscious, maybe it was because the guy was good-looking and around my age... who can say why people do things? Anyway, I signed both petitions and headed on into the store. On my way back out he was still there and I said, "You got me on the way in," before he could ask me to sign.

He said, "Oh I know - you're beautiful [looking me up and down, but not in an icky way]. Have a good day!"

That's all it takes to make me happy - that compliment stuck with me the rest of the day. It was just nice to be noticed, especially considering I was dressed in uncoordinated, laundry day clothes, had on no make-up except for a little powder, and my hair was in a messy bun.

Go, Now, Go!

I've had this whole week off from work, and because my bosses planned their trip at the last minute I decided against throwing together a last minute trip somewhere. Instead I've just been a total homebody - playing games, reading, and doing a few small projects to fully settle in to the new apartment. And finally watching My So-Called Life, which I purchased a while back.

I loved this show when I was 16. *Loved* it. I watched it right from the start, even though it was on opposite Mad About You (which was one of my favorite shows) and Friends (which was just starting, but I was interested in it). I would tape My So-Called Life intending to watch it later, but would flip to it during the first commercial break of Mad About You and never make it back. I completely identified with Angela, her introspection, and her lust for Jordan Catalano*. Watching it again has given me the strangest sense of deja vu, because I not only remember what my favorite scenes were, or what lines resonated with me as a teenager, but I seem to be responding to it in exactly the same way I did at 16. (I'm not necessarily saying this proudly.) I'm compelled to rewatch the same scenes I did then (namely those involving Jordan, even though I've had no interest in Jared Leto's career post-MSCL), and paying little attention to the episodes that didn't grab me at the time. I don't find myself wishing from an adult perspective that Angela would notice Brian, the way my mother did when she and I would watch it together. Nope, I want the adolescent dream of the emotionally unavailable bad boy turning into The One to come true.

At least this time around I know how the most painful, cringeworthy scenes turn out, so I don't have to suffer through them all over again.

*Seriously. Pretty eyes have always been my weakness, and I don't think they come any prettier than this:
Sigh.

Fare Thee Well

I've been putting off writing this post for a couple of weeks, just because it seems so final. I've come to terms with the idea that Bennett isn't coming home, and my guilt that in many ways I'm okay with that. He was a problem cat, but he was my baby. Bennett had the big bad behaviors that made it difficult to be a cat owner, but otherwise I liked his personality on a daily basis. Min is a better behaved cat, but she tended to annoy me on a daily basis. So basically Bennett made it difficult to be a cat owner, and Min took the brunt of my irriation (which is not to say she didn't always deserve it - she's been a little bitch many times, and I have the scars to prove it). So I don't miss some of the realities of Bennett living here, but I do miss him in other ways, and I want him to be okay. I'm choosing to believe what I tell the Lovebug every day when she says, "Dindy talk about Bennett run away. Dindy talk!" (She likes me to monologue, and has a couple of favorite topics she makes me repeat at least daily - I can't wait for her baby brother to be born so we have a new topic!) Anyway, I tell her that he lives at someone else's house now. I know that the odds are high that something more unpleasant happened to him, but no good comes of thinking that way.

Min and I are getting along better than ever. Being annoyed with her has been second nature for a while, but in the aftermath of the fire I was much more patient with her, knowing how freaked out she must have been, and how her world was turned upside down (losing her buddy, being moved to a new apartment). I had to get used to having a cat sleep on my bed (the cats had been forbidden in my bedroom for a little over a year because of Bennett's iffy litter box habits) and at first she would try to wrestle with me every day around 3-4 am, or just want to be nose to nose with me. She's pretty much stopped that, thankfully. She's also snugglier - she used to want to be on my lap, but she would never just sit down and settle. She would knead her claws on me, be right in my face, and would be promptly kicked off my lap. Now she settles pretty quickly; for example, she's currently tucked under my arm as I type. I haven't seen any signs that she wants another kitty friend, which I'm thankful for, because I don't think I'm meant to be a perpetual cat owner.